just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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