Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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