Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
