Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
