Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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