They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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