Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
