hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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