Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
