We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize