Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
