one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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