like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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