How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
