Will you blow on my dice?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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