when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
