Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
