My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
