She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
