please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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