Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Randomize
