My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
