Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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