Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Randomize
