I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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