the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
