i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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