Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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