Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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