i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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