Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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