dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize