My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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