How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
