it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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