I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize