if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
