i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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