you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
