i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
