Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
