No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize