If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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