I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
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