I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
