Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize