I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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