I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
