cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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