Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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