so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
