Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
