her vagine was all disorganized.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
