I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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