Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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