He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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