She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He passed out mid-signature
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My dick has a subreddit
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
