my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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