I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
