i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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