I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
