He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
